Saturday, January 10, 2009

Am I but all alone?

I don't know how this has happened and I'm not quite sure what it all means, but I think I am the only person in the world who has formed a strictly negative opinion of wedges.*

Normally I can handle disliking current fashion trends; it makes me feel hip and totally ahead of the cool kids in so many ways. But wedges keep coming back to haunt me; they were, from my recollection of footwear fashion, in a couple of years ago, and now they just keep coming back and back and back. Research tells me the design was invented way back in the 1930's by Italian designer Salvatore Ferragamo. These facts, and this hurts me to think it, lead to the belief that it may be that wedges never go out. It may be that wedges are a footwear classic.

So why can't I get into them? Sure they're the comfortable heel; safer than a stiletto, with far less pressure on the heels, and they've developed that nifty way of cheating the height of the heel by actually making the entire sole of the shoe wedged. They are the high heel shoe that always looks casual; it can be worn to the shops, beach, park, movies and all the other places where it would be inappropriate to wear full on heels but you might desire a bit of extra height. However none of this is in any way making me want to bung some on my minute pair of clodhoppers and prance around town half a foot taller than usual. I look at wedges and all I see is chunky ugliness. Let me give you some examples.

Fundamental flaws:

  • There is a big ugly chunk of textured material where there should've been nice open air and a sexy view of foot arch.
  • From the front, when standing on an appropriately sandy coloured flooring, wearer would appear as if they were levitating because of deceiving big chunk of unnecessary ugly textured woven material stuff under the toe. This would make friends and family of wearer secretly fear that they were going insane or misguidedly beginning worshiping wearer as form of floating deity.
  • The top parts of these shoes (the bits that aren't covered in the gross material) would've actually made much nicer, normal shoes with an appropriately coloured normal heel and wearers would not appear to be wearing hulking boxes of mat-weave strapped to their feet.

Example 2.

I have nothing to say.
Why would you want to walk around all day on a big chunk of mauve rubber?? I don't understand! But somebody must, because people are buying these shoes for no less than six hundred and thirty-five dollars! American!
And I'm sorry, but those things look really painful. No heel support. At all. It'd be like constantly walking down a very steep hill. God forbid you encountered sloping ground throughout your daily travels.

These devastate me. They may be the only animal print item of clothing, footwear or accessory that I have ever been close to liking. That is, they would have been with a cute little kitten heel, or tall, sexy stiletto, but the wedge covered in the same print turns them into complete overkill. I keep looking at them and sighing tragically, wondering if somehow I could access them and doctor them, somehow removing icky wedge and inserting quaint patent black heel. But, on a winner, they don't incorporate the hideous wedge platform underneath toe style to the foul degree seen on some others.

LOOK! The designer of this shoe KNOWS how hideous a full undershoe of faux-wood material is and they've CHEATED and cut a hole in the middle! But why didn't they go the whole hog and take out that couple of centimeters between heel and toe? While they were at it they could've sliced off half an inch under the front and ended up with something that in the end resembled a semi-reasonable piece of footwear! The shoe in itself would still be rather ugly, but much, much improved. It's people recognising their mistakes, and then doing a half arsed job of fixing them like this that makes the world a crappier place. Anger!

And finally...

I asked the opinion of a good male friend before posting this, thinking that if there was anyone else out there who was appalled by the foul wedge phenomena they would probably be male. He sent me this link with the accompanying note; "These are gorgeous". Fuck. The web article is titled Ridiculous Baroque Wedges Mui Mui. Please note the appropriate use of the word ridiculous. Underneath the item is written,

"These baroque wedges from Miu Miu are totally over the top. Do you have the balls to wear them?"

What? You recognise that the shoes are hideously over-decorated and appear that they should come with a statement from the manufacturer renegging resposibility for wearers' high danger of falling and incurring spinal damage, and then you dare readers to wear them? What kind of friend are you Juno Jvana? What kind of blog do you write? Blog for the sadistically cruel and manic footwear psychotics?

Plus, when I googled wedges for images these were in the top row of pictured results. Therefore the trusted friend to whom I crawled for advice put no thought into my dilemma and merely chose the first avaliable link. Lame.

On last count I owned twenty-nine pairs of shoes. This would seem excessive except for the fact that my feet haven't grown for many, many years and so most of the shoes have been collected carefully over time. I also have ridiculously small feet, meaning shoe sales are my heaven with racks and racks of discounted items nobody else could squeeze into. I've chosen each pair with love and consideration and, most importantly, I wear them all. But I do not own anything with a wedge, nor can I forsee any of this style ever gracing the ever crowded shoe compartment of my wardrobe. But, with my mother and sister both sporting fancy new wedged shoes, I concede that I may, in fact, be a mutant with zero taste, as wedges make it onto the shop shelves season after season. By expressing my views on wedges I mean not to insult you if you own any (which of course you do, because everybody in the world bar me is totally into and on top of this craze) but I'm merely trying to understand. Teach me, and perhaps I will come to love the wedge.**

And so I leave you with this question:

Wedges: Indescribably ugly or gods most beautiful footwear creation?

Let me know what you think. Especially if you're of a like-minded opinion to myself. We'll have a shoeless tea party.


*We're talking about the shoes here, not the crispy, goody hotness, covered in gooey sweet chili sauce and sour cream type potatoey ones. Those I love.

**It'll never happen. They're hideous.

1 comment:

  1. oh, god. You really found some crackers there.

    Wedges aren't the most flattering footwear on the face of the planet.

    Especially when they're ugly.

    Which is most of the time.